BIG FEELS ON SUMMER LEAVES:
I go for a walk by the river valley each day – I tell everyone we’re lucky, we’re so lucky in Edmonton. Almost everyone can get to the river. I don’t even live in a cool part of town, and still I can walk ten minutes south and be dipped in the dappled light of tree lined dirt paths.
There is a panic about spring blooms. They arrive when you least expect it, but also when you need them most. They are arguably the prettiest: pastel colours and miniature shapes, but their impending expiration date makes them almost impossible to enjoy fully. My walks take doubly long in the spring because each new bud I have to stop, pause, inspect, try to remember.
Yesterday I got to the river and to the trees and saw summer leaves. I’ve never liked summer leaves. They feel garish, obnoxious, gloating. I feel embarrassed for them.
Of course, that’s a silly thing; irrational, probably.
Of course it’s an obvious metaphor that my subconscious is banging over my head.
I’ve been wanting to be more comfortable with blooming fully. To my credit, I’ve come a very long way. Not long enough to transcend my secondhand embarrassment for summer leaves, but still very far.
There is a song that I listen to called “Superbloom”, which is kind of a cheesy title, but it’s actually a very good song. Some of the lyrics go:
Never rained in the desert 'til I
picked me for the very first time
It's darkest before the sunrise
that's when I
Superbloom, superbloom
Superbloom, superbloom
etc.
Part of my healing right now is giving myself the things I needed in past iterations of Natahna. Mostly it’s just allowing a luxury of time and the freedom to do what I want with it. So, I go for long walks, I dance in my kitchen, I lay on the floor and listen to music. I try to notice how good I feel in these moments. The gratitude I feel is so pure, probably annoyingly so.
The baby beginnings of spring and the decay of fall have always been my sweet spot – literally, figuratively. I learned to live there, because I had to, a pinched or dying version of myself at all times. But I am outgrowing these seasons. I’m turning my face to the sunlight.
When I look in the mirror I see summer leaves, and I’m trying not to be embarrassed by it.
Talk soon,
Natahna
The Recommends: The song, Superbloom, by MisterWives, of course. ;)
Ooooh yes! Take in those "garish" blooms and the striking sunlight ☀️ Loved this piece