BIG FEELS ON THE LESBIAN MASTER DOC:
When I was younger and men were trying to date me, I never knew whether to tell them that I was a virgin or not. On the one hand, I knew they would love it. I was small and hot and quiet and – in their minds – nothing but something to claim. How thrilling to be the first.
On the other hand, I knew they would love it—the trick of a magician’s coin—and it made me feel panicked in a thousand ways I didn’t have one single word for.
I’ve been feeling punchy about the term baby gay lately: at least when it’s expected to be said like an apology said like an apology. I think it’s because it’s the sheep in wolf’s clothing. The men fetishize virginity, the other genders are suspicious of it, and I’m just exhausted to be here all over again.
Last week, I read the Lesbian Master Doc. I had seen all the summaries and reaction posts, but I hadn’t actually read the thing myself. I was surprised by how much it moved me. I didn’t expect to find myself, pastpresentfuture, in each sentence. I didn’t expect the grief of a younger self.
Under the title, “‘Attraction’ to men”, the author provides examples of common experiences of lesbians growing up in a society where compulsory heterosexuality is the norm. These are a few of my personal favourites:
● Deciding which guys to be attracted to—not to date, but to be attracted to—based on how well they match a mental list of attractive qualities. You have a ‘list’ of impossible criteria in your head that a man must meet for you to be attracted to him, and if you ever meet someone who matches all the criteria you just add more impossible standards.
● I’m constantly testing my attraction to men. I pick one or more conventionally attractive men in the room, and try to force myself to be attracted to them.
● I like the idea of being with a man, but any time a man makes a move on me I get incredibly uncomfortable.
● I like getting attention from men and being validated in my attractiveness, but the moment it goes from attention to an interaction (i.e. from flirting to asking out) I start panicking.
● You view relationships with men as a chore, burden, or just something you must deal with.
● You get crushes on just about every guy you’re friendly with, because there’s really no difference between friendships and crushes to you
The rest of the doc is even more damning. Here’s a poem I wrote to sum up my thoughts. ;)
I guess I’m gayer than I realized
which is a strange thing
to admit
when you already thought
you were
pretty gay
I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m still a proud bisexual; but it has me thinking about the inside joke we bi women have amongst ourselves: that we are in love with every woman…..and the one man we marry.
I am in love with my nesting partner, but it always felt like a miracle that I even found him at all; that there was any connection, let alone a deep one. Was it meant to be? Of course. I’m nothing if not a destiny bitch; but there is something to be said for being gay and closeted and not having any of the words or labels and completely missing out on the ease of liking a gender(s) that you were wired to like. It should be easy to like who you like. It should be like air; a surprising, “Oh, fuckk.”
And speaking of the word fuck—fuck being a baby. If anything, being this closeted has made me old as hell. I was here the whole time. Virginity is a social construct, and so is being a baby gay.
Here’s one last poem to close us out, just because I’m on a roll (lololol):
I want to feel it all
but not like this
ouch
Okay, that’s all you’re getting. I love you. Go read the doc. It’s a lesbian’s world. We’re all just living in it.
Talk soon,
Natahna
P.S.
Substack has an app now, and it’s really fun.
The Recommends: Go watch Heartstopper on Netflix. Like, now.
This 👏🏻 piece 👏🏻 has 👏🏻 it 👏🏻 all 👏🏻 Bullet points! Poems! And such a wonderful declaration! Can’t wait to read the doc you referenced 💖