BIG FEELS ABOUT ANGRY DEMONS:
Does anyone else wake up in the middle of the night to find the fury of a thousand demons coursing through their veins? My partner says it’s because I don’t let myself experience anger during the day, so it waits to be released until the dead of night when my defenses are down.
Lately the fury has been trickling into my waking hours too. I read somewhere that we have to embody these unwanted emotions physically or they will never leave our bodies; so I clench, unclench, clench, unclench - fists, calves, feet.
When I worked at the post office I would stand on furled, concave feet for 8 hours. Self-imposed foot binding. Balls of tension incongruous with my easy and smiling, “Hi, how can I help you?”
One time I smoked weed, well, twice I did, but one of the times it caused my whole face and head to ache unbearably - muscles and joints I didn’t know existed suddenly ablaze. I googled it afterwards and it’s happened to other people too. Weed heightens sensation and for some the top sensation banging its way to the forefront is pain, “Hey! we’re hurting here! Why aren’t you doing anything about it?!”
The other time I smoked weed I just felt really embarrassed about being alive.
They say not to colour yourself with a single emotion. You’re not supposed to say, “I am angry,” you’re supposed to say, “I am experiencing the emotion of anger.” I find the semantics of that deeply annoying. I’ve been trying to put my own spin on it. Lately I’ve been saying, “Angry Natahna wants to have a moment,” as I picture a furious version of myself taking center stage, the others watching with equal measures shock, awe, and apathy. I think it achieves the same purpose but with a more dramatic flare.
My therapist says that, based on the household we grew up in, some of us only know how to feel sadness and some of us only know how to feel anger. She says that when I am experiencing sadness I need to ask myself, “Is there something that I am angry about right now?”
Spoiler alert, Miranda*, there is. There [nearly] always is.
Talk soon,
Natahna
*not my therapist’s actual name.
_____
The Recommends: The show, We Are Lady Parts. Watch it. Love it. Live it. (I watched it all the way through twice over the weekend)