Listen to Natahna read Big Feels 7.7 here👇🏻 (or subscribe on Spotify)
“The thing about me is that I’m afraid I’ll always be alone. The thing about you is you’re afraid you’ll never be alone,” my mom says, unprompted, while we are mid-afternoon cleaning the kitchen over the holidays in December.
I am in an in-between spot right now. Like the north Saskatchewan river in this unseasonably warm February, I am both frozen and flowing. I do want to be alone. I don’t want to be.
Last night I had a dream where I left a house that held my whole life. When I was at the gate, I thought of all the things I had forgotten inside – my phone, bank card, a lucky keepsake. When I turned to get them, my own self was standing in front of me, holding the items. There was no colour in this version of myself. I was made of shades of black and white. Seeing myself as a shadow scared me, but my shadow-self smiled in a non-threatening way, handed over the items, then folded me into a strong hug.
There is a way that my sister hugs me that gets under my bottom rib and hurts a little. I am hugging myself in this way. I tell her, “You are hugging me like Linnea.” Shadow-me doesn’t say anything in return, only smiles and stands her ground. I cannot go back to this house. She will not let me. But she is glad for me. She is happy I am leaving. She wants to be left alone with the past.
I am with my sister this weekend, away from my dear one. He texted me that he’s feeling “on a knife’s edge,” but “feeling healthy about it.” He always has good words for things.
It feels torturous to be in between; though I suppose the torture comes from the pulling, the trying to be on one side or the other. When I am honest and I am just here, the in between is quiet. I can pull or I can be still. Be flowing and frozen.
I wonder what it means to move forward. How do I honour my shadow-self in her choice to stay behind? Why is it so difficult to feel the vibration of what I want when I am alongside other people and their wants? It’s simpler to be alone. It’s quiet. I am afraid to never be alone; to forget my own voice; to recognize my voice and still choose the other thing.
Talk soon,
Natahna
The Recommends: Buying hair dye (again) from the drug store.
"She is happy I am leaving. She wants to be left alone with the past." Wow, the permission that oozes through this image is something else. This also really struck me: "Why is it so difficult to feel the vibration of what I want when I am alongside other people and their wants?" Lemme know when you find the solution, k? ❤️